You are at a family gathering when a thought appears: “These get-togethers used to be better.” Perhaps everyone stayed longer, the children were younger or conversation seemed easier. You begin noticing what has changed, and the afternoon starts to feel disappointing.
A happy memory can bring pleasure. It can also become a standard that new experiences struggle to meet. We may be having a pleasant time while paying more attention to what is missing than what we enjoy.
I have caught myself doing this with surprisingly ordinary things. Learning to recognise that habit has helped me appreciate more of what is happening, while continuing to value what came before.
What Comparison Was Taking from Me
When I was younger, particularly during periods when I wasn’t at my best, I tended to compare current experiences with past ones. Looking back, I think my more negative outlook affected what I noticed.
It could happen during a meal, a catch-up with friends or even while eating a snack. Instead of enjoying what was in front of me, I would dwell on how much better another version had been. My attention went towards the difference, and some of the pleasure was lost.
I was getting in the way of my own enjoyment without realising it. I wasn’t deliberately trying to spoil anything, but the habit made it harder to appreciate the experience I was having.
As I have grown, I have become better at letting a moment be what it is. Giving it more attention helps me experience it more fully, with less need to decide where it ranks against something else.
Why a Happy Memory Can Be Hard to Match
When we remember a favourite holiday, we may think of the beautiful view, a funny conversation or the freedom of being away. The delays, tiredness and minor irritations may receive less attention.
In three studies of how people anticipated, experienced and remembered trips and holidays, participants evaluated those events more positively afterwards than while they were happening. The researchers called this the “rosy view”. This doesn’t mean every happy memory is exaggerated, but it shows that remembering an experience can feel different from living through it.
That offers a useful possibility to consider when the present seems unable to measure up. We may be comparing an afternoon, complete with interruptions and tired people, with the parts of an earlier afternoon we most enjoy recalling.
The circumstances matter too. Returning to the same place doesn’t return us to the same period of life. Our relationships, responsibilities and interests may have changed, and the novelty of a first visit may be difficult to repeat.
Keep the Memory Without Making It a Requirement
Looking through photographs, sharing an old story or remembering someone fondly can be meaningful in itself. We don’t need to discourage those pleasures to appreciate the present.
The University of Southampton’s research on nostalgia describes how it can support feelings of connection, meaning and continuity between our past and present. Looking back can add something valuable to our lives.
The difficulty comes when “I loved that experience” becomes “This experience needs to feel like that one.” We begin treating a familiar feeling as a requirement for enjoyment.
If you notice that happening, try acknowledging the memory while leaving the current experience open: “I loved those afternoons together. I wonder what I will enjoy about this one.” This is one way to hold expectations more flexibly.
You can prefer the earlier experience and miss it. That doesn’t have to settle the question of whether there is something worthwhile here.
Ask What You Miss About the Experience
Sometimes “It used to be better” contains useful information, but it is too broad to help us respond. Getting more specific can reveal what we actually miss.
What made the holiday special: the destination, the uninterrupted time together, or both? When you remember a favourite restaurant, how much of the pleasure came from the food and how much from who was with you? Perhaps what you miss about a family gathering is the effort someone made to include everyone.
You may be able to bring some of those qualities into future plans. If you miss unhurried conversation, you could suggest meeting in a smaller group or when fewer people need to rush away. If you miss having fun with a friend, perhaps you could propose an activity you both enjoy.
Other things can’t be recreated. Someone may no longer be around, a relationship may have ended or a period of life may be over. Recognising what you miss can help you acknowledge that sadness without expecting the next meal or holiday to make up for the loss.
Let Familiar Experiences Change
Family traditions and longstanding friendships can carry strong expectations. We remember how they once felt, so a change can seem like evidence that something has gone wrong.
A gathering might become smaller as people move away. A friend who once had whole weekends free may have only an hour for coffee. These changes can be disappointing, and it is understandable to want more time together.
It may also help to notice what the current arrangement makes possible. A smaller gathering might allow a conversation you rarely had in a crowded room. An hour with a friend might be warm and enjoyable, even if you wish it could last longer.
Part of maintaining lifelong friendships can involve finding ways to spend time together that suit both people. Family traditions can benefit from similar flexibility. You might keep a favourite part of a gathering while adjusting the timing or activities to suit everyone’s lives now.
Give the Present More of Your Attention
When you notice yourself thinking, “It was better last time,” pause before following that thought further. Try asking, “What am I enjoying about this experience?” Look for something specific, such as the flavour of the food or your interest in what a friend is saying.
Psychologist Fred Bryant’s review of research on savouring explores how people notice, appreciate and respond to positive experiences. A practical way to apply that idea is to give an enjoyable part of the moment enough attention to register.
During a meal, pause the comparison long enough to taste the next mouthful. In a conversation, ask about something that matters to your friend now. On holiday, explore something that wasn’t part of the previous trip.
You don’t need to keep checking whether you are enjoying yourself enough. That can become another way of evaluating the moment. Notice what interests or pleases you, then let yourself become involved.
If the comparison returns, you can acknowledge it and return to what you were doing. You don’t have to resolve which experience was better before participating in this one.
Allow Enjoyment and Disappointment to Coexist
Some experiences really are less enjoyable than they used to be. A place may have changed, a friendship may need attention or a tradition may no longer suit the people taking part. Recognising that can help you decide what you would like to do differently.
You might enjoy part of an afternoon and leave feeling disappointed overall. You might appreciate someone’s company while missing another person deeply. Both feelings can be real, and you don’t need to force a positive judgement about the whole occasion.
What has changed for me is that I am less willing to let comparison shape my view of an experience before I have properly taken part. I want to taste the food, hear the conversation and notice what I enjoy.
I can treasure a memory without asking another moment to recreate it. A meal, conversation or afternoon may offer something different that is worth enjoying in its own right.
First published: 5 February 2026
Last updated: 22 September 2026
