A film you want to see is showing this weekend, but nobody else is interested. You consider going anyway, then hesitate at the thought of being there alone. Perhaps it would be easier to stay home.
An ordinary activity can become surprisingly complicated when we feel we should have someone beside us. Making company a condition of going can mean missing something we would enjoy.
Feeling more comfortable on your own gives you more choice. You can enjoy a coffee, follow an interest or use a free afternoon without depending on someone else being free or interested.
Why Going Alone Can Feel So Noticeable
Buying groceries alone might feel unremarkable, while sitting down to lunch alone feels exposing. The difference may be the meaning we attach to the situation: “Will people think I have nobody to spend time with?”
Psychologists Thomas Gilovich and colleagues studied the spotlight effect, finding that people overestimated how much others noticed their appearance and behaviour. In one set of experiments, participants believed more people would remember an image on their T-shirt than actually did.
That finding offers some perspective: feeling conspicuous doesn’t necessarily mean you are attracting much attention.
Someone might notice you sitting alone. A glance tells you little about what they think, and noticing doesn’t necessarily mean judging. Other diners have their own conversations, meals and concerns to occupy them.
What Changed for Me
When I was younger, I was quite self-conscious about doing things on my own. I cared a lot about what people might think of me. Something I wanted to do could become tangled up with concerns about how I would look doing it.
As I have grown older, I have realised that people are generally more occupied with their own lives than with what I am doing. Much of the scrutiny I felt was coming from me.
Learning to focus more on what suits me and what I enjoy has helped me make choices I feel better about. Sometimes that includes doing something alone.
Eating out is one example. With a family, I rarely eat alone these days, but when I do, I feel comfortable. I can enjoy the meal without being preoccupied with what someone at another table might think.
For me, relying less on other people’s approval has meant giving my own preferences more room in ordinary decisions.
Choose Something You Actually Want to Do
Give yourself a reason to go that matters to you. Perhaps you want to see a particular exhibition, try something on a café’s menu or learn how to work with clay.
Researchers Rebecca Ratner and Rebecca Hamilton explored people’s reluctance to enjoy public activities alone. In one experiment, people visiting an art gallery alone expected to enjoy it less than those visiting with a companion. Their reported enjoyment afterwards was similar.
The finding doesn’t mean every activity will be equally enjoyable alone. It does suggest that we may underestimate how much we will enjoy ourselves.
Ask yourself: “Would I like to do this if I felt comfortable going alone?” If the answer is yes, you have something worth exploring. Choose an activity you want to experience, without turning the outing into a test of your independence.
Make the First Outing Manageable
Choose an outing that fits your comfort, budget and available time. A familiar place can leave you with fewer things to work out while you adjust to being there alone.
A little preparation can help: check how to get there and any booking requirements. Then choose a manageable starting point:
- Coffee: Visit a café you know and sit down for one drink. A short visit gives you a simple plan.
- Cinema: Pick a film that interests you and book your seat beforehand. Once it begins, you have something specific to focus on.
- Exhibition: Start with a small gallery or one section of a larger exhibition. You can linger where something catches your attention.
- Class: Try a beginner session and ask the organiser what to expect when you arrive. Knowing where to go and how the session starts can make walking in easier.
For a class, remember that you can enjoy something without already being good at it. Arriving without a friend doesn’t add an obligation to impress anyone.
Give Yourself Time to Settle In
The first few minutes may feel awkward. You might become unusually aware of where you’re sitting or what to do while you wait. Give yourself a moment to settle before judging the whole outing.
At a café, look through the menu and choose something you would enjoy. At an exhibition, read the description beside a piece that interests you. In a class, listen to the instructions and concentrate on the first task.
Bring a book if you would like to read, or use your phone if you want to check something. You can also simply sit and enjoy your drink. You don’t need to look busy to justify being there.
If you notice yourself scanning the room for people’s reactions, gently return to what you came to experience. You can feel a little self-conscious while also enjoying your food or becoming absorbed in a film.
Let the Experience Inform Your Next Outing
Afterwards, give the outing a fair assessment. What did you enjoy? Which part felt uncomfortable? Was anything easier than you expected?
Perhaps entering the restaurant was awkward, but eating the meal was pleasant. Recognising both gives you a more useful picture than labelling the whole experience uncomfortable.
If the outing was disappointing, consider what contributed. The venue may have been noisy, the film uninteresting or the class poorly organised. You may also discover that you prefer a particular activity with company. That is useful to know too.
You can repeat an easy outing as many times as you like. There is no requirement to keep choosing something more demanding. Returning to a place you enjoyed can be enough.
Leave Room for Company Too
Your preference for company may change with the activity, your mood or what else is happening in your life.
University of Reading research on solitude and wellbeing found a mixed picture. In a daily diary study, more time alone was associated with less stress and a greater sense of choice, but also with more loneliness and lower life satisfaction that day. The negative associations were reduced when time alone felt personally chosen.
That research concerns time alone broadly, rather than solo outings specifically. It is a useful reminder to pay attention to what you need.
If you want connection, make room for it. Invite someone another time, exchange a few words with a classmate or arrange a catch-up. Going somewhere independently can include talking to people when you feel like it.
More Freedom in Ordinary Decisions
I appreciate being able to enjoy a meal alone without giving so much attention to how it might look. It is a modest change, but it gives me more freedom in how I spend my time.
Perhaps there is something you have been putting off until someone can join you. Consider a manageable way to try it. You don’t have to feel completely at ease before you begin, and you can decide afterwards whether you would like to do it again.
Your interest is a good enough reason to give the experience a chance.
